“How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
None. They prefer to criticize your lighting choices instead!”
“What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a vice? The vice eventually loosens its grip!”
Ouch! I’m not sure whether mothers-in-law have earned their bad reputation, but there’s no end to scathing mother-in-law jokes! As a mother-in-law twice over and a counsellor, I know that a critical and controlling spirit is a lethal combination which can wreck family relationships. In-law problems are common in every culture and often arise around such issues as control, interference, selfishness, and the clash of values and traditions.
But in-law problems run much deeper than the mother-in-law caricature. Some of us find it hard to leave our old families and to cleave to our spouse in a brand new family unit. Most of us find it hard to let go of bad patterns and sins from our families of origin, which we bring into our new family unit. We are all resistant to change.
Common complaints.
Here are some common complaints I hear in the counselling room:
“My husband’s mother keeps telling me how to feed her son and grandchildren as if I’m a lazy, incompetent cook. She’s mastered the art of the disapproving look.”
“My wife’s parents and aunts keep demanding huge sums of money to maintain a lifestyle we can’t afford. That’s on top of the Lobola we’re still paying off. Black tax is crippling us as a family.”
“My mother-in-law won’t help with our small kids or do anything that ‘inconveniences’ her. When we visit, she won’t put away her precious ornaments as she says the kids must learn to respect her home. The children are scared of her. Doesn’t she want a relationship with her grandchildren?”
“Our in-laws insist that we attend African traditional rituals like Ukubuyisa (the ritual reincorporation of the living-dead), Imbeleko (ritual inclusion of our babies into the clan) and Hlabisa (slaughtering after the birth of a child), even though they know that we are Christ followers. We are torn between wanting to please Christ and family approval.”
“My wife won’t allow us to make a single decision without first consulting with her parents. She phones them every day and shares intimate details of our lives with them. I feel resentful that our privacy has been invaded.”
A new allegiance.
No Christian couple will build a marriage which pleases the Lord unless we make a clean break from our family of origin and form a new allegiance with our spouse. Each couple needs to make its own decisions and develop its own traditions and values, evaluating everything in the light of Scripture.
So how do we handle in-law problems after we’re married? A starting point is to hold in tension two God-given principles: The first is to separate from parents (leave and cleave) and the second is to honour our parents. It’s not a question of either… or, but both… and.
Separation and Honour.
1. The separation principle is laid out in Genesis 2:24.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
2. The honour principle is laid out in Ephesians 6:2-3 and Exodus 20:12: “Honour your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Thus, God expects adult children to honour their parents, but not to remain under their control as they are a separate family unit. To honour means to respect, to set a price on, esteem, value, revere. It means to treat our parents and in-laws with kindness and dignity, but it does not mean giving in to all their demands.
Not all parents live honourable lives, but honouring them honours the Lord. This is because of the special God-given role they’ve played in our lives. Our duty to honour them is not because our parents and the parents of our spouse deserve it, but because we choose to honour the Lord.
Blessings attached to honour.
Although New Testament believers don’t have a promised land given to us, there is still a reward for children who follow this command to honour our parents. When we choose to honour our parents and in-laws, two blessings occur:
1. Life goes well.
2. Life is longer.
Obeying God’s command to honour our parents leads to general well-being, harmony and fruitfulness in our lives. We have the blessing of a clear conscience and are spared from the consequences of unbridled sin and bitterness against our parents. Our new family is blessed by older people who usually have a lot of love and experience to share. Jesus affirmed both the honour and separation principle in the gospels.
Christ affirmed the honour principle.
In Matthew 15 and Mark 7, Jesus affirmed the honour principle when he criticised the hypocritical pharisees for using the Corban vow to dedicate money to God’s temple that otherwise would have gone to support needy parents. Corban had become a religiously acceptable excuse to neglect parents and disregard God’s command to honour and care for the elderly.
Jesus said, “Honour your parents. “Then Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem and said, “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? For they do not wash their hands when they eat.” He answered them, “And why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God commanded, ‘Honour your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ But you say, ‘If anyone tells his father or his mother, “What you would have gained from me is given to God,” he need not honour his father.’ So for the sake of your tradition you have made void the word of God.”
Matthew 15:1-6 , Mark 7:9-13.
In these passages, Jesus contrasts honouring parents with despising, neglecting, and abandoning them. Jesus’ words are convicting. Are we providing reasonable financial support to our parents and in-laws if they are in need? Are we doing our best to ensure that they are included in our lives, not isolated and lonely?
While this does not mean caving to their every demand or crippling our own household budget, it is dishonouring to leave needy parents to fend for themselves financially or emotionally. Paul affirms this in his letter to Timothy:
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
1 Timothy 5:8 ESV
The honour principle means that when we disagree with our parents/in-laws, we do so with humble, gentle and considerate hearts, instead of insisting on our own way (Philippians 2:4, Matthew 5:23-24). We are quick to overlook small offenses (Proverbs 19:11). Honouring our parents and in-laws also means expressing appreciation for their help and wisdom, instead of being too proud to accept advice (Proverbs 11:14; 19:20). The Pause acronym is a good tool to help us honour our parents and in-laws, especially when we clash with them:
P= Prepare our words and don’t react impulsively.
A= Affirm positive relationships.
U= Understand their feelings, fears and longings.
S=Search for creative solutions and fair compromises.
E= Evaluate options reasonably, not emotionally.
Christ affirmed the separation principle.
In Matthew 19, Jesus also affirmed the separation principle of marriage established in Genesis 2:24. When asked if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause, Jesus focussed on God’s original intention for marriage—to create a separate and inseparable one-flesh union. Christ’s words are echoed by the solemn words of the traditional marriage ceremony.
“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:3-6).
In Matthew 19, our Lord reminds us that instead of bickering, running to our parents, or choosing to live separate lives, Christian couples should be fighting for one-flesh intimacy. Holding hands, being courteous, simply saying “please”, “thank you”, and “I love you” help forge a lifelong bond of closeness and intimacy. Each day is a fresh opportunity to cherish one another. These little gestures of love protect a couple from drifting apart.
And so, honouring our parents is always bounded by God’s other command for complete commitment and unwavering commitment to our spouse. Our first priority is to take care of our spouse, to protect this union and the new family unit that arises from it (Matthew 19:5-6).
In the light of these Biblical principles of honour and separation, here are some practical tips:
For married couples:
1. Leave behind financial, spiritual and emotional dependence on your parents as soon as possible.
2. Do not rely on your parents’ approval or advice. Be more concerned with fulfilling your spouse’s desires than your parents’. 1 Corinthians 7:33.
3. Create a sense of your family’s identity by adopting new traditions and habits that will serve you well as a Christian family. Examples include family story time, dinnertime rituals, family worship, purposeful celebrations, family meetings to resolve tensions.
4. Believe the best, knowing that in-laws often unintentionally put pressure on their married children. Be charitable and gracious to them.
5. When faced with an in-law problem, discuss it gently and openly as a couple, presenting a unified response. Agree on a plan to avoid unwanted interference in the future.
6. Keep the communication lines open by visiting, phoning and sending emails to parents. Failure to communicate says in effect, “I don’t care.” Show your in-laws the same care that you show to your parents.
7. Look for ways to build up your husband or wife in front of your parents. Never speak badly of them. Never allow your parents to disparage your husband or wife.
8. Don’t blame your in-laws for your marriage problems! Your marriage is your responsibility, not theirs.
For parents and in-laws.
- Your primary relationship is with the Lord and your spouse, not with your children, especially your adult married children. Do not become so emotionally needy that your children feel guilty if they don’t give you what you think you need. Resist the urge to cling, criticise or control.
- Consciously prepare yourself for the time when your children will leave home, and for the change in your relationship with them when they marry. Celebrate and encourage their independence as they grow older. Entrust them to the Lord.
- Prepare your children to move out from under the umbrella of your direct authority and influence. As they become teenagers, give your children permission to respectfully disagree with you without taking offense. This prepares you for an adult relationship with your children and the person they choose to marry.
- Warmly embrace your child’s marriage partner as an equal to your own child. Never favour your son/daughter or drive a wedge between your child and their spouse.
- Actively nurture a supportive relationship with your adult child and his/her spouse. A humble parent in-law asks questions and loves dialogue, putting energy and effort into listening. Initiate video calls and phone them regularly. Your married children will love the emotional warmth that comes from caring relationships with both sets of parents. Life is too short to be uninvolved.
- Avoid criticising, nagging, interfering, or anything else that would weaken your child’s marriage relationship. Instead, give the couple freedom to make their own decisions and encourage them with words of affirmation.
- Don’t do things merely for the good of your married child (gifts, trips, holidays, private phone calls etc). Do things for the good of your child’s marriage. First ask if they want your help or advice. Do not use money to influence a married child. Give freely, without expecting anything in return.
- Focus on being loving, supportive, affectionate, respectful, fun, gracious and generous in serving your children and their families. Be a beautiful light bulb that brightens up their world, a living example of what you want to see in your children and grandchildren.
Prayer
Lord, we know that children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. (Psalm 127:3-5). We know that grandchildren are the crown of the aged, the glory of children is their fathers, the beauty that you’ve designed in relationships (Prov 17:6). Father, thank you for inter-generational blessing and the contributions of grandparents to the life of our families. We pray that married couples would cherish one another and honour their parents and in-laws. May your blessing fall on our families as we seek to relate to one another in the way you have ordained. Amen.
